Warning signs of coercive control by your intimate partner

Coercive control happens in secret.

You fell in love with your partner, but something doesn’t seem right, maybe you’re confused because he says he loves you and wants to be with you, but you just don’t seem to be able to get him to resolve his issues. Is this “normal” man stuff? Or is he being controlling and abusive, but you just can’t quite put your finger on it and name it as that? If you are feeling harmed, and controlled on a regular basis are you having trouble getting this through to your partner?

 

What are some warning signs that you’re in a relationship that may get worse?

Things he thinks, says and does:

When you seek a respectful, empathetic listening ear in an attempt to get your partner to stop harming you, he denies he is doing anything wrong.

When you try to get him to talk about what he’s doing, he blames you saying, for instance, that if you didn’t talk to other men, or if you kept the kids quiet, or if you cooked his meals, or if you stopped nagging him, then he wouldn’t have to do or say those things.

When you try to have a rational discussion to resolve money issues, or parenting issues, or issues to do with family or friends he says there’s nothing to discuss and that you’re making mountains out of mole hills.

Does he always think he’s right and have to be right no matter what?

Does he try to stop you from doing things you love, seeing friends or family? He might do this in subtle ways that you can’t quite put your finger on, for example, he might say he hates a particular friend and make you feel uncomfortable about seeing them anymore.

Does he make sexist jokes, or have some rigid ideas about the right way to be a man or a woman?

Does he get jealous and possessive? If he does did it feel like he loved you in the beginning, but over time it feels really restrictive?

 

Things you think, say and do:

Do you feel like you’re beating your head against a brick wall trying to resolve issues with your partner?

Are you hoping he will revert back to the man he was at the beginning of your relationship?

Do you feel as if you’re going crazy or feeling confused?

Do you feel you are losing yourself, or have already lost yourself?

Do you have two conflicting voices in your head – his voice and your voice?

Have you decided that you’re better off silencing yourself? But you secretly have one thought, but say another – just to keep the peace.

Have you started to lie to him so that you can get some freedom?

Do you think no one else understands?

Do you think it’s the woman’s job to make a relationship work?

Do you make excuses for him, say, that he might have had an awful childhood and doesn’t know any better?

Do you ask him to get help but he makes all sorts of excuses for not doing so?

Are you determined to make your happy-ever-after-dream work? But . . . if you admitted to yourself that if he continues to control you the way he does you could predict that in five years time he will just be worse and you’ll be even more unhappy?

 

Things other people think, say and do:

Do other people think he’s charming and lovely and have no clue about how he treats you?

Do other people tell you you’re lucky to have him and that you should not rock the boat?

Or…

Do other people see what’s going on, and tell you they think he’s using you, abusing or controlling you and that you deserve better? But you ignore them thinking they just don’t understand how lovely he can be or used to be?

 

Are you scared?

Are you afraid of him?

Are you afraid of staying with him?

Are you afraid of leaving him?

 

Are you afraid of hurting him?

Do you feel like you’re dealing with two people? One – that he’s abusive – whether he’s doing it intentionally or not. Two – that he’s insecure, vulnerable, weak, feels like a failure and refuses to face those parts of himself? And that he does what he does to cover up his insecurities – and you think that if he could just sort that out he’d be ok?

Most women are aware of their partner’s insecurities and will often try to boost his ego, not hurt his pride. But unless he stops denying, minimising and blaming, there will never be a resolution to the problems you are facing with him. It’s a lose-lose situation. Many men who control their partners do so as part of a centuries-long legacy that creates social pressures on them to be a man – a so-called “real man” – the “king of the castle” way of behaving as a man – but this requires suppressing half their humanity.

 

It’s OK to ask for help! If these warning signs ring true for you, be honest about the reality and seek help from someone who “gets” psychological abuse. You don’t have to sort this out on your own.

In a healthy relationship you should expect respect, you should both negotiate win-win ways to get your needs met and encourage each other to flourish.  It takes a lot to get to know each other’s values, hopes, dreams and quirky habits. Two people in healthy relationships learn to adapt in constructive ways.  Arguments may happen and the two of you should work on understanding each other deeply. The process should be mutual. In a healthy relationship, if either one of you says or does things that hurt the other, the person who caused the harm should (and will) do what it takes to understand how to make amends, make changes and increase their capacity to care, empathise and show compassion. Good relationships take time and effort from both people. If you are experiencing a relationship in which your partner refuses to take responsibility for their controlling or abusive behavior – it’s ok to seek help.

 

 Dr. Clare Murphy (View her profile here)

 PhD – Counsellor at Home & Family Counselling, Mt Eden