Warning signs of coercive control by your intimate partner
Coercive control happens in secret.
You fell in love with your partner, but something doesn’t seem right, maybe you’re confused because he says he loves you and wants to be with you, but you just don’t seem to be able to get him to resolve his issues. Is this “normal” man stuff? Or is he being controlling and abusive, but you just can’t quite put your finger on it and name it as that? If you are feeling harmed, and controlled on a regular basis are you having trouble getting this through to your partner?
What are some warning signs that you’re in a relationship that may get worse?
Things he thinks, says and does:
When you seek a respectful, empathetic listening ear in an attempt to get your partner to stop harming you, he denies he is doing anything wrong.
When you try to get him to talk about what he’s doing, he blames you saying, for instance, that if you didn’t talk to other men, or if you kept the kids quiet, or if you cooked his meals, or if you stopped nagging him, then he wouldn’t have to do or say those things.
When you try to have a rational discussion to resolve money issues, or parenting issues, or issues to do with family or friends he says there’s nothing to discuss and that you’re making mountains out of mole hills.
Does he always think he’s right and have to be right no matter what?
Does he try to stop you from doing things you love, seeing friends or family? He might do this in subtle ways that you can’t quite put your finger on, for example, he might say he hates a particular friend and make you feel uncomfortable about seeing them anymore.
Does he make sexist jokes, or have some rigid ideas about the right way to be a man or a woman?
Does he get jealous and possessive? If he does did it feel like he loved you in the beginning, but over time it feels really restrictive?
Things you think, say and do:
Do you feel like you’re beating your head against a brick wall trying to resolve issues with your partner?
Are you hoping he will revert back to the man he was at the beginning of your relationship?
Do you feel as if you’re going crazy or feeling confused?
Do you feel you are losing yourself, or have already lost yourself?
Do you have two conflicting voices in your head – his voice and your voice?
Have you decided that you’re better off silencing yourself? But you secretly have one thought, but say another – just to keep the peace.
Have you started to lie to him so that you can get some freedom?
Do you think no one else understands?
Do you think it’s the woman’s job to make a relationship work?
Do you make excuses for him, say, that he might have had an awful childhood and doesn’t know any better?
Do you ask him to get help but he makes all sorts of excuses for not doing so?
Are you determined to make your happy-ever-after-dream work? But . . . if you admitted to yourself that if he continues to control you the way he does you could predict that in five years time he will just be worse and you’ll be even more unhappy?
Things other people think, say and do:
Do other people think he’s charming and lovely and have no clue about how he treats you?
Do other people tell you you’re lucky to have him and that you should not rock the boat?
Or…
Do other people see what’s going on, and tell you they think he’s using you, abusing or controlling you and that you deserve better? But you ignore them thinking they just don’t understand how lovely he can be or used to be?
Are you scared?
Are you afraid of him?
Are you afraid of staying with him?
Are you afraid of leaving him?
Are you afraid of hurting him?
Do you feel like you’re dealing with two people? One – that he’s abusive – whether he’s doing it intentionally or not. Two – that he’s insecure, vulnerable, weak, feels like a failure and refuses to face those parts of himself? And that he does what he does to cover up his insecurities – and you think that if he could just sort that out he’d be ok?
Most women are aware of their partner’s insecurities and will often try to boost his ego, not hurt his pride. But unless he stops denying, minimising and blaming, there will never be a resolution to the problems you are facing with him. It’s a lose-lose situation. Many men who control their partners do so as part of a centuries-long legacy that creates social pressures on them to be a man – a so-called “real man” – the “king of the castle” way of behaving as a man – but this requires suppressing half their humanity.
It’s OK to ask for help! If these warning signs ring true for you, be honest about the reality and seek help from someone who “gets” psychological abuse. You don’t have to sort this out on your own.
In a healthy relationship you should expect respect, you should both negotiate win-win ways to get your needs met and encourage each other to flourish. It takes a lot to get to know each other’s values, hopes, dreams and quirky habits. Two people in healthy relationships learn to adapt in constructive ways. Arguments may happen and the two of you should work on understanding each other deeply. The process should be mutual. In a healthy relationship, if either one of you says or does things that hurt the other, the person who caused the harm should (and will) do what it takes to understand how to make amends, make changes and increase their capacity to care, empathise and show compassion. Good relationships take time and effort from both people. If you are experiencing a relationship in which your partner refuses to take responsibility for their controlling or abusive behavior – it’s ok to seek help.
Dr. Clare Murphy (View her profile here)
PhD – Counsellor at Home & Family Counselling, Mt Eden
Savvy Seniors
“Savvy Seniors“ is a group for independent men and women aged 60+ who are living alone or with limited family and community supports. The group meets regularly and covers discussion topics, creative experiences, outings, sharing information and support networking.”
Where the idea came from
Over the years working as a counsellor with Home and Family I have noticed a growing trend of older people living alone, without community and family supports. Loneliness and isolation are often a precursor to depression. Feeling useful, remaining active and having a mutually supportive network certainly helps to maintain good mental health and prevents premature ageing. This led to the creation of the Savvy Seniors Group.
Getting going
Two groups have now completed the 20 week programme, at St Lukes and Te Atatu. There were between 10 – 15 participants in each Savvy Seniors Group, small enough to be intimate yet big enough to be interesting. All participants are independent and well-functioning men and women aged 60+ yet sharing a sense of isolation. The groups met fortnightly. Social activities throughout the programme are encouraged and it was great that a few sub-groups formed- a walking group, a quiz night team and a group who went to film festival films. Numerous activities (art, music, brain gym games, fun games) and discussion topics both serious and fun (families, health, transition stages in life, grief, life coaching, first aid, fashion in our teens, mischief we got up to when we were young) were held during the programmes. Birthdays were celebrated and a Xmas party is planned for December, involving both Savvy Seniors groups. The groups continue to meet and organise activities although the facilitated meetings have finished.
What’s next
Two more Savvy Seniors Groups are planned, one at Mt Eden and another on North Shore. We hope to have one at Mt Eden up and running mid-December, as it is often a lonely time for seniors living alone. If you want to join, learn more or make a referral of someone, please ring 630 8961 ext. 1.
Jaqui Barrett ( View profile here)
Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
“How old should a child be when they stop playing naked on the beach or get dressed around the edge of a swimming pool or in other public places?”
I get asked this question in addition to the one I answered in my previous blog.
I think that children will often display cues that they want privacy about this.
Each child develops their own way depending upon social and family cues and to
set a definite age I think could be to run the risk of stifling a child’s
enjoyment unnecessarily.
However, I think that adults can be easily distracted from noticing a child’s cues with
the hustle and bustle of time pressures and social constraints.
I would suggest that in conjunction with the above under-pinning ideas, that between
the ages of 3 and 4, adults could become specifically alert to their child’s
cues for privacy. If the cues are absent, and as so often is the case, they like
to run naked wildly with joy and delight, at this age it could be time to
gently introduce more boundaries.
You could try:
A: Offering a toweling style garment or other item of clothing to cover parts of them while they play.
B: Introduce or choose different swimming costumes for them.
C: Start to point out that most of the other people around them have their clothes on.
D:You could use sun-safety rules to support your guidance for the need to cover-up.
At some stage in our lives we figure out that most people have their clothes on in
public! The steps we take towards realising this differ from family to family
and culture to culture.
What Say “NO” To Bottom-Games offers by saying ‘I don’t show my bottom when I play’ is
the beginnings of social norms as well as a strategy for keeping safe.
Protecting a child’s innocence and their rights to a joyful childhood is I believe the
essence of why as adults we take caring for them so much to heart. With us holding the boundaries firmly and
watching for the subtle ways they tell us of their needs, they can be freer to
have this precious stage in their lives, more fully.
In conclusion I think it is being consciously aware of the child’s needs together
with our intuition that will give the answers to how to handle these complex
questions.
Anya Godwin
Children’s Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
Should our children be naked on the beach? ( from the author of ‘Say “NO” to Bottom Games’ )
SHOULD OUR CHILDREN BE NAKED ON THE BEACH?
This morning I had a conversation with an old friend who has a small child after he
had read Say “NO” To Bottom-Games and he made comments like:
“Isn’t it a bit odd that we teach the child “I don’t show my bottom when I’m playing”,
and then let them play on the beach naked? How does that work? What about their
need to play freely? ”
I think this is a very valid question.
My immediate response is how sad it would be if little children were to loose the
wonderful experience of innocently playing naked at the beach.
My more considered response is more of a question:
“If we as adults hold an awareness of what we are teaching children about body safety, then can we
include this as we attend to them in these situations?”
I would hope this was possible.
There are a few ideas that could work to under-pin an adult’s attention to a child
playing in these situations such as:
A:
A young child as we know communicates through actions and sounds.
Some children love being naked and others find this vulnerable state uncomfortable. You could pay attention to your child’s cues
and watch how they communicate their feelings about being naked in this situation today.
If they are attempting to express their discomfort you could find they behave in ways such as:
* Pulling at their clothes trying to stretch them so they are more covered.
* Being more clingy to you and not wanting to go far from where they feel safe.
* Being more uncooperative or even demanding for what seems like no reason.
* Attempting to cover themselves up with clothes or towels.
* Being less active than usual.
If a child is feeling vulnerable it may not be about anything obvious but it could be exacerbated by them becoming naked. Imagine if we are feeling vulnerable and then had our clothes taken off us as well!!
Notice your child’s cues, and offer to cover them and see if it helps, it’s likely they will soon let you know and it may not last long before they have the confidence to skip about freely again.
B:
Notice how you are feeling about your child’s needs for nakedness. Perhaps be aware of whose decision it is that your child be naked…is it yours or theirs? Keep watchful of each situation and re-connect with the ideas suggested in Say “NO” To Bottom-Games about listening and respecting your child’s development of being the ‘boss of their bodies’.
C:
Set clear limits about when it’s time to put clothes back on.
Anya Godwin
Children’s Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
Motivation – 2 Where are we up to ? Where do we want to be?
We will use a flower (download to print out here)* as a fun way to look at the current balance of needs in our life. You can complete this as an individual or as a couple or family (look at your relationship needs) or team/ organisation. Or you can do it for/with someone else to help them see what they have in their lives and what’s missing- what are the gaps to be filled up.
1. Filling in the Flower
Put your name in the centre of the flower.
2. Power and Worth
Put one word in each petal that describes you when you are at your best. When you feel/felt proud, happy, lucky, good about ourselves.
3. Love and Belonging
In the four leaves put the names of people who you feel are or have been really there for you.
4. Fun
On the roots, list the different things you do for fun. If you can’t think of ten things, include things from your past or even your future – what you want to do but haven’t yet done. Beside the ten fun things put an A beside those you like to do alone. Put a $ beside those that cost less than $20 excluding the equipment. Put an x beside those you have done in the last 10 days.
5. Plan for Change
For the weeds list four things you have been putting off or procrastinating on.
6. Freedom
On the butterfly you put your hope or dream. Reading the flower Power The flower petals focus on our sense of empowerment. If you struggled with this it may be useful to focus on this need. Love and belonging The flower petals focus on our sense of love and belonging. If it includes someone no longer alive or imaginary friends or pets it may be that this is your area of need to focus on. Fun The roots address the fun need. Is there balance between the things we like to do alone and with others? Do you have 7 or more fun things to do each week (that are legal and non-addictive!)? Do you need to build up your fun repertoire? Freedom The weeds and butterfly focus on our freedom needs –freedom from and freedom to. When we put things off we are choosing where our energy goes! Surprise!
Imagine how free you will feel once that chore is done! Plan how your weeds can be removed and leave you free to reach out for your butterfly.
Read first part of this article: Motivation 1 How to better identify what you want and get it! Help others identify what they want and support them to go after it!
* Indepedent 1997
Mary Gray ( View blogger profile here)
Executive Director
Home and Family Counselling
Motivation – 1 How to better identify what you want and get it! Help others identify what they want and support them to go after it!
One theory about what motivates us, Choice theory, developed by Dr William Glasser, sees motivation arising from our drive to meet certain biological needs – physical and psychological. It identifies five basic needs. They are the drivers (motivators) of our behaviour as we seek to satisfy these needs.
The five needs are:
Survival (air, food, water, shelter, health, sex, exercise)
Love and belonging ( friendship, cooperation, involvement , companionship, caring, intimacy, relationship, connection )
Power and worth ( importance, recognition, competence , pride, achievement, competition, respect, being heard, significance, skills, impact, pride)
Freedom (choices, independence, options , autonomy,liberty, physical movement, psychological space)
Fun (enjoyment, pleasure, learning, relaxation, play/ hobbies, laughter)
We put images of what we want on an imaginary scale with what we have got.
Our brain compares our images of what we want with what we have in the world. We then set out, through our behaviour, to control our world to get what we want.
Now is when things get interesting.
As we start to recognise why we are so driven to beat our competitors; or get so hurt when our friends or family members aren’t as forthcoming as we would like, we can start to make sense of our world in a different way.
Take the time now to look at each of the above five categories and list down or underline at least one key word from each category for yourself.
What behaviour – action or reaction- does this frequently provoke in you?
In our next blog we’ll look at what comes next.
Next blog
Having a sense that this is how and why we now respond in certain ways, can free us up to choose if we want to continue to respond as we now do.
Mary Gray ( View blogger profile here)
Executive Director
Home and Family Counselling
The Boredom Factor 3 – Activity list and ways to tackle the boredom factor
Organise
1. Create a list of activities that are appropriate for your child’s age that they can do by themselves.
2. Have these activities ready for them at the beginning of each day of the school holidays and have them help tidy them up at the end of the day.
3. Especially for children between 5- 9years old, you could write out a daily plan which they can easily access themselves detailing which activity will happen when.
Lists help children connect with what will happen next and this gives them a sense of security and can relieve them from the feeling of dis-ease and help us with loosing the boredom factor! Yippee!!
Here are some ideas for the list of things to do together or for older children to do by themselves or with siblings or friends:
Ages 2+
Making play-dough together.
Recipe
2 cups plain flour; 2 tlbs cooking oil; 4 tlbs cream of tartar; 2 cups boiling water; food colouring of choice. Add everything together in largish bowl. Steadily and with conviction (it’s a challenge this bit), continue to mix thoroughly. Take out of bowl and kneed very well. Divide up and add food colouring. Keeps in fridge for about 2 weeks in zip-locked bags or air-tight containers.
Making sticky-pictures or cards for people using:
Old magazines/cards/wrapping paper/clothing/sheets/tea towels/wool etc
Baking
Water fun
In the summer hose games or bowls of water can help shift a bath time to a fun time. Washing hair under the tap or hose on the deck or lawn can be great activity and get the job done too.
* Fill about 5-10 containers of different sizes with water and add food colouring to some of them. Let the children mix up the water outside in a stain-free surface and see what colours they make.
* If you have a paddling pool, or a bath, making coloured water ice-cubes together for them to watch dissolve around them when they are in the water is a great way to teach children what colours do when they mix together.
* Having a meal on the floor on a picnic rug or old sheet can be a fun thing to create and prepare for as well as eat and have fun. A great activity for a rainy day.
Treasure Hunts
Treasure hunts can be made for all ages that can walk and understand the concept of hiding and finding. The older children have great time making up clues and hiding the items and adults can be very creative making up clues that baffle the children and even the other adults.
-Begin by deciding what the appropriate item/s to hide is.
-Will they be hidden inside or outside or both?
-How long do you want this activity to take? ie: will this be 5 minutes or 1 hour? This may well depend on how your children engage with the fun of finding clues and if you want it to last then my suggestion is lots of clues with some small rewards along the way.
-Now you can go about creating the clues. For children who read they can be written but for those not reading you can use the getting ‘warmer – cooler-‘ concept.
-The winning > loosing of this game can cause some tension and if you think this will be an issue, you could hide something for each participant. Those who find theirs first can help the others.
Ages 5+
Felting:
If you have an old pure woollen garment or blanket that is no longer used, cut it into shapes about A4 or A5 size. Felt the pieces by either putting them in a hot wash/cold rinse cycle with double the amount of soap or have fun making heaps of watery/soapy mess and felt the wool by hand.
The simplest instructions for this option are to put 1teaspoon of dishwashing liquid into a large plastic milk bottle with hot water. Sprinkle the wool with the mixture and roll the wool into a sausage shape massaging it back and forth well. Rinse and repeat this step about 20 times or until the wool fibres become firm. Rinse again and hit your felted wool against a hard surface like a concrete or wooden railing for about 5 minutes. Let dry.
You can now use and decorate this piece of felt in anyway you feel like. Cut it into shapes/Beading/sewing into a bag shape/book mark/hair accessory/brooches or other jewellery….the sky’s the limit!
Getting ideas online
If you have access to the internet there are a mired of activity ideas for children as well as recipes for food that children love to cook and eat. Letting them help you make food relieves you of a job of making a meal and also creates a fun time in the kitchen together. It can be a bit fraught if the dish requires too much skill so let them be in charge of manageable things that don’t cause too much stress!
* Another idea that is easily accessed by the internet and is useful if you have a printer, is Google Images. Type in ‘colouring book images for children’. You could include their favourite images such as animals, hearts or fairies.
Anya Godwin
Children’s Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
The Boredom Factor 2 – When I need to help them decide
These ideas are to help your child engage with something that is interesting or enjoyable to them. There is a range of feeling questions as well as action and thinking questions all of them are inviting your child to find a connection with something that makes them feel good.
You could use a brain-storming strategy such as:
Do you feel like getting wet and mucky?
Do you feel like making noise?
Are you thinking you’d prefer to be inside or outside?
What do you think about trying……?
Would you like to move slowly or fast?
Would you like to make something with soft things like play-doh or paint or use glue and stick things?
What would it be like to …..
Would it be fun to……
Let’s have a look at your toys… which ones want to play with you today?
Which toys look like fun to you?
Lets look at the colours in your toy box… you are wearing…. Lets see which toys are this colour…
When you notice none of this is working you may have a child that at this time is either tired, hungry or not yet able to play alone.
You could try saying this to encourage them to stretch out just a little bit
“I will put the timer on for 5 minutes and I’d like to see you doing……until it goes off. I will be finished my job them and we can…..”
I imagine that you have already heard about planning and organising your days with children and you will have found out what works best for you. It can be a big ask some days to make a plan and stick to it in between nappies and spilled cereal! Making an activity list that children can use themselves can help those more dis-organised days.
If you are up to being organised though, being prepared with some activities can help the day move along.
TO BE CONTINUED…NEXT POST ON MONDAY JULY 25.. ACTIVITY LIST .. THE LAST IN THIS SERIES
Anya Godwin
Children’s Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
The Boredome Factor – 1
THE BOREDOM FACTOR
Most of us as parents have felt overwhelmed by the prospect of several weeks of having to entertain and be available to children more than usual in the school holidays.
School holidays can be a time of despair about having to find resources from within us to manage the children needs and demands as well as juggling the daily routines of work and finances. That spare bit of money to do activities can be out of reach for many of us leaving us feeling quite sad and stretched to the limit after hearing “I’m bored” for the 100th time.
Firstly a note about….“I’m bored”.
When a child says “I’m bored” I think they are telling us “I’m not connected with myself and my needs right now.” They tell us they are bored as a way of asking us to fix this feeling that is not enjoyable. This non-engagement creates a feeling of dis-ease and this can cause the whiny voice or the annoying behaviour. I think they are feeling disconnected from themselves, and possibly us as well, and are looking for a way to re-connect.
Ideas for the….“I’m bored.”
For children aged 5+ my first suggestion is to gently reply to them by saying something like –
- “So you feel bored and can’t think of what to do right now, how about you look at your Activity List and see what you fancy.”
AND/OR, if this doesn’t help-
- “It is your job to find something to do now, if you really can’t think of something you’d like to do in the next 10 minutes and your Activity List isn’t helping, come and I can help you decide.”
At this point it is helpful to wonder about how dis-connected from you your child could be feeling. It maybe that offering to play with them or have them join in an activity you are doing could help. If you have access to a timer on the microwave or some such appliance, this can be a useful way of giving the situation a few more minutes to sort itself out.
This parenting step is about helping your child build resilience to entertain themselves. Being able to do this is a great way for them to develop concentration and become resourced in managing their emotions.
If they need you to help them decide what to do next, try and give them possibilities and encourage them to make the decision.
(NOTE TO SELF – One day my children will be making decisions about drugs, alcohol and many other life choices…if they can start with making good decisions about managing these kinds of situations and their uncomfortable feelings they are taking a great first step)!!
TO BE CONTINUED…NEXT POST ON WEDNESDAY JULY 20.. WHEN I NEED TO HELP THEM DECIDE, ACTIVITY LIST AND MORE!
Anya Godwin
Children’s Counsellor
Home and Family Counselling
Poke a hole in it
Putting things off
We all do it. Especially the big jobs that we don’t want to do for various reasons.
Some common reasons for putting things off are:
- it seems too big
- it feels too hard
- we don’t fully understand how to do it
- we aren’t any good at it
- we don’t have enough time to do it
This often applies to writing reports, studying, big tidy-ups, big projects.
Some helpful ideas for getting past our reluctance!
‘Poke a hole in it’
1. In other words just start.
- Don’t worry about where you start, just do something towards what you have to tackle.
- Don’t worry that you only have ten minutes – start
- Don’t worry about getting all prepared to do the task – just do a bit of it.
- Don’t worry about scheduling it into your day/week/weekend
Grab the computer/ cleaning cloth/ spade, secateurs or whatever you need to make the first move.
2. When you run out of time/ ideas / energy or get interrupted just stop.
3. Start again the next time at 1.
Need help with the Job?
If it’s something that you are unsure about how to tackle:
– who can I ask for help
– who can give me (free) advice?
A report to write?
- Start writing anything. Don’t worry about an introduction, you can do that later. Start anywhere. You can cut and paste it later.
- Don’t know how to put your ideas down on paper? Try saying out loud to someone (imaginary) what you want to way. Try to write down the words you have just said.
- Are there examples of similar reports that you pick up the idea of a framework from? What about on-line reports or templates?
The key thing is to Poke a hole in it!
Mary Gray
Executive Director
Home and Family Counselling
